With older children, discuss their dreams and aspirations. Also share what your dreams were at their age and what happened to satisfy or discourage them (only if you can do this without blaming your ex). Additionally, ask your teenager to write a letter to herself about the things she would want to remind herself of in ten years and describing where she wants to be in her life at that time.

Purpose: As your child grows, it becomes increasingly important for her to begin to seriously consider what is meaningful to her as well as to visualize plans of how to achieve her personal definition of success.

Not Guilty Shirt  

 Have your child decorate a blank T-shirt using markers or paints. It could be any scene he wants with a message like MY PARENTS ARE DIVORCED AND IT'S NOT MY FAULT, or MY PARENTS GOT DIVORCED AND IT'S NOT MY FAULT, AND ALL I GOT WAS THIS LOUSY T-SHIRT.

Purpose: Clear, repetitive statements validating the idea that the child is not at fault will increase the likelihood that he will integrate and believe this message.

Shuffling the Deck  

 Help your child make his own deck of cards using index cards or blank flash cards. The activity will include drawing pictures in the center of the cards, leaving room in the four corners for numbers and hearts, stars, sad faces, or angry faces. Explain:

• Cards with stars will have pictures of things the child wishes for.
• Cards with hearts will have pictures of things she loves.
• Cards with angry faces will include things that make her angry.
• Cards with sad faces will be for things that make her sad.

Purpose: Having guidelines can help children to be more expressive. Notice whether or not your child draws one category differently or hesitates to complete that set. The child who can't think of a single thing to draw for angry faces obviously has difficulty accepting her anger. Some children simply may not think of more than a few things that make them sad. The deck can be completed over time and thus used as a tool for expression when future feelings arise.

The Life of Riley  

 When something happens, who is responsible? What kinds of things can make a person feel responsible when he really is not? Responsibility is a key issue for children of divorce, and helping them understand how to determine who is responsible can help them alleviate the guilt and blame they often feel for the divorce. For a child under the age of ten, make a dog out of clay. For older children, just talk about a dog. Tell the story of a dog named Riley (or whatever your child chooses to name it) who lives with and is loved by two different people. You can make these people your child and a sibling, or your child and a friend, or you and your child. Next, set the scene and act out your parts, "It's time to feed Riley and I'm sure it's your turn to feed him." "I know that, but I feel like watching R\TV instead. You feed him for me. After all, I did it for you last week." Now have an argument about who should be feeding the dog. When you've reached an impasse or after twenty seconds, stop and ask your child, "Who is at fault for not feeding Riley? Me, because I refuse to help you out? You because you don't feel like doing it, even though it's your turn?" Your child might choose himself or you as the guilty party. Ask him why. Then ask, "Is it Riley's fault?" Point out that if Riley were able to feed himself, you two wouldn't have to argue about feeding him. Does that make it Riley's fault? Then explain that even when parents fight about their child, it is not the child's fault. Now change the story a little bit. You and your child take turns letting Riley out. In the past, Riley has chewed up furniture, so everyone knows that whenever Riley doesn't get out, there's a chance that might happen. You've just walked into the living room and found Riley chewing on the new sofa. Say, "You were supposed to let him out." Have your child argue, "No it was your fault. It was your turn to let him out!" Play out an argument for twenty seconds. Stop the play. Ask your child, "Is it Riley's fault we're fighting? Or is it our fault for not working out an agreement to be sure Riley got out in time?" Don't be surprised if your child replies that Riley is at fault, because he did a bad thing. Carefully explain that animals, like young children, don't always understand the rules. Reiterate that you and the child both knew Riley would chew the furniture and this knowledge gave you the responsibility to prevent that from happening by making sure he got out in time. It is also important to explain that even if Riley knew better, did the two of you have to argue and shout it out? How else could the two of you resolved it? You could both have calmly discussed it and perhaps agreed to post a schedule. Then explain that it is the same with parents. They can choose to fight or calmly discuss issues and problems. All children and adults make mistakes, and it is the parents' job to work together to help children, not fight about them.

Purpose: children need to understand that arguments are the fault of the people arguing, not the person or thing they are arguing about. In the case of Riley, each of you had several opportunities to take actions that would have prevented an argument. Discuss how by honoring agreements, not breaking promises, and not shirking responsibility, all of these arguments could have been avoided. Talk about how often people argue because one or both of them believe the other failed to meet an obligation, and how a lack of communication and understanding can lead to conflict. Using the example of Riley, point out all the things that you and your child could have done to prevent these arguments: put Riley out in time, kept him out of the living room, trained him not to chew, and so on. This activity is crucial for a child to clearly understand that she is not at fault for her parents' divorce or past or present arguing even if the arguments surround items regarding her.

The New American Bandstand  

 Although your child's favorite music may sound vastly different from what you grew up with, you may be surprised to discover that the more things change, the more they stay the same. When you have a chance, try to sit quietly and listen to your child's favorite music. If your child is comfortable, try to discuss it with him. Refrain from being critical or hostile. Ask your child what he likes about the music and the lyrics. What do they say? How do they speak to him? What about the singers and musicians? What does he know or like about them, as musicians and as people? If your child is comfortable talking to you about music, talk about the fact that what makes music compelling is the strength of emotion it conveys. Whether the music is classical, rock, rap, country, soul, New Age, or jazz, all music begins with someone expressing feelings. Chances are, among the musical stars your child admires, at least one and probably several have spoken openly about their divorce experiences. What does he think about that? How are their feelings different from their own? Don't preach, but don't be afraid to point out that each person responds to divorce differently.

Purpose: This is another way to enter your child's world and to talk about feelings and emotions - his and someone else's, which may be uncomfortable for him to share otherwise. It also provides a good opportunity to point out that, while some people may feel they were permanently scarred by their parent's divorce, others do move on and have happy, productive lives.

What Will Change  

 Ask your child - and every member of your family - to make up a list of four things that will change with the divorce and four things that will not change with the divorce. At the same time, you make up a list, then compare your lists and discuss them.

 

Megan's List

Megan's Mom's List

Purpose: A child can feel overwhelmed by the enormous emotional (and physical) changes divorce brings. Some children may feel that everything is changing even when it is not. This activity helps the child focus on the real changes and the important things that divorce will not change.

Sandcastle: Ages 3-7  

 Tell a story about a royal animal family using your child's favorite pet. "Once upon a time there was this royal bunny family. The king, queen and kids were so happy." Ask your child to draw a picture of the entire royal family at their happiest time. You can draw your personal version simultaneously. Continue the story by describing how the king and queen began to argue so much that they decided to separate. Then ask your child to draw the family after the separation.

Purpose: This will allow the child to express his/her feelings and perception of life before and after separation/divorce.

uperhero: Ages 6-10  

Before eating dinner ask your kids to draw themselves as a superhero. They can create any special power for themselves that they want.

Purpose: This allows children to express their needs and discuss how they can find inner strength to cope in life. For example, Billy drew himself as a superhero with huge remote control box in hand used to "control everyone in the world." Billy's Mom discussed his lack of control regarding the divorce and their impending  move. They then created many ideas together how Billy could feel more in control  in some areas of his life.

Music: Ages 12-17  

Have your teenager share his/her favorite song with you. Discuss with your teen what he likes about it; the melody, the lyrics... Share  one of your favorite songs you loved as a teen and describe what you loved about  it to your child.

Purpose: As children grow older, they begin to express themselves through what  they like and dislike; whether music, movies or friends. Parents can learn a great deal about their teen by keeping in touch with and allowing an open forum of communication regarding the child's taste in music.

The Family Flower Garden: The whole family