You, like many parents
experiencing divorce, are finding that it's easier to
avoid difficult issues for now than to deal with the
child's anger, sadness or relief about it. It is common
in divorce situations to attempt a short term solution
that includes simply avoiding the discussion of
difficult topics. As a result, children are left without
important information to make them feel secure and
worse, learn to resolve difficulty in their own lives by
not discussing or dealing with it. Unfortunately, many
parents who employ this tactic don't realize what they
do to the children they love. If you think delaying the
inevitable will be easier on the two of you consider how
this ultimately creates difficulty for your child in
trusting. She learns a scary lesson about the world,
covering up and not dealing with the truth instead of
confronting difficult issues and finding ways of coping.
Children are a lot more aware than we give them credit
for. When children are not given enough information
about things (and this can include divorce, visitation,
school changes) don't think they just forget about it.
Children will simply fill in the blanks with their
imaginations. That is why many children feel guilty
about their parents' divorce when parents do not clearly
spell out that they personally, and only they, are
responsible for the decision to split. One man who took
a class I led, related how he felt as a child when his
parents divorced but never discussed the divorce
clearly. He concluded as a child that he must have done
something so horrible that his parents couldn't even
talk about it with him. He simply filled in the blanks.
Just because your child doesn't discuss the fact that
Daddy hasn't lived at home for the last year except on
weekends doesn't mean she's not thinking about it. In
fact, children often pick up on the subtle messages
parents send. It sounds like you have been uncomfortable
discussing the issue and perhaps your daughter has
followed your lead by not touching the topic.
It is not great for communication to create taboo
topics; that is, topics a child fears even broaching you
about. And while it is not appropriate to share private,
adult details such as an infidelity, a good rule of
thumb is to share any information which relates to the
child's daily life. You also want to encourage
questions. A child who is told "That is private, but I
understand your wondering about it. What do think about
it?" at least has been given the message that you are
not afraid of a topic. She will then obviously, feel
comfortable asking about her visitation schedule, how a
new baby will affect her, and the myriad other concerns
which will cross her mind in the years to come.I've
enjoyed reading your column and as a teacher find your
advise important for today's parents. Could you please
advise parents to make sure their children are not
around when the parent is discussing scholastic problems
about their children with a teacher. I'm amazed at how
often parents discuss things while children are around
listening to a telephone conversations. I always notice
a little change in the child the next day. I have these
conversations to help, not to cause trouble for my
students. Please keep these kinds of conversations
private.
Sound advice. This applies to conversations with an
ex-spouse as well. When children overhear negative
discussions that bemoan their behavior it is draining
and demoralizing. Anytime it becomes necessary to share
negative information, the child should not be around.
When discussing traits you want to change in your child,
make sure it is private. Children of divorce have
endured a great deal of negativity in their lives and
need encouragement to find ways to see the world in a
positive light. Children often live up to their
"images". If you need to criticize, do so in the context
of a private meeting with your child and end with your
faith in him. "John, you know Dad and I met with he
teacher and your reading skills need to improve. We know
you can do it. Let's talk about a plan. It is far more
motivating for any individual to hear praise than
criticism.
A child's whole image of himself is created by
reflections, how the world, mainly his parents, react
and reflect??? him. If we plant seeds of appreciation
and respect for positive qualities, a colorful garden
will grow even though there will always be some weeds
that need plucking. Obviously, good discipline includes
making children aware of their wrongdoing or problems
but this need not happen via an overheard conversation.
Here are this month's Q/A's from Gary
Neuman's award winning nationally syndicated column, Changing
Families.
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