Although this statistic is mind boggling, it clearly
indicates the attention every parent must give to child
molestation. When children are violated, a legacy of
pain and confusion is left behind that will take years
to resolve. Studies indicate that divorced families and
step-families are at higher risk for sexual abuse.
Single parents expose their children not only to a new
partner but that partner's children, friends and
associates.
There is no clear litmus test to detect a potentially
dangerous person. However, Stanislasky explains that
molestation is not about an adult seeking a sexual
outlet. Rather, molesters seek to reenact the abuse they
themselves experienced and/or enjoy the complete control
and domination of the child. A part of this controlling
behavior is to maintain secrets with your child or bribe
them not to tell you things. You may want to discuss
secrets with your child as well as gifts that carry
expectations. Domineering people who criticize or
belittle your child are not healthy personalities and
their controlling behavior can create an atmosphere
where molestation takes place.
Obviously, children might be upset with anyone their
parents date because they may be unwilling to abandon
their wish for a reunion between their divorced parents,
or they may not wish to have a stranger take their
parent's place. When you date, it's important to make
the time to speak with your children. Ask, "Do you think
some kids wish their parents wouldn't date so that maybe
they could undo the divorce one day? Do you feel that
way?" or "How does it make you feel when I talk about
finding someone new to share our lives?" When these
issues are dealt with, there is less of a chance that a
child will "not like" a new boyfriend on sight.
When children feel threatened or uncomfortable with
someone new, it's important to determine why. More
alarming is fear or secrecy in the interactions between
a child and stepfather or boyfriend. Children may not
want to raise the issues of abuse for fear of "ruining"
the new relationship the parent seems to want so much.
For this reason, communication is a crucial tool in
determining what goes on. Often a single parent is so
busy and the new relationship may take much of their
free time. Making time to spend alone with children
minimizes their resentment of the new relationship and
provides a good safeguard against abuse. However, if a
child feels threatened or very uncomfortable with a
potential spouse, it's important to discuss this and
heed warning signs.
NCAP provides some behavioral indicators of sexual abuse
which include: Unusual interest in and\or knowledge of
sexual acts and language inappropriate to the child's
age; the child may focus on sexual matters to the
exclusion of many others activities or interests.
Seductive behavior with classmates, teachers and other
adults,
Wearing many layers of clothing regardless of weather,
Sleep disturbances; bedwetting, nightmares,
Abrupt changes in behavior or personality
Beth Perry, Executive Director of the Child Assault
Prevention Program of South Florida, adds a word of
caution to picking up on the indicators listed above.
"If you've been molested as a child or incest occurred
in your family, unconsciously you may have a certain
familiarity and acceptance of the kinds of behaviors a
molester exhibits. You may not be able to see clues that
the perpetrator shows as well as someone who has not
been molested or received therapy to deal with their own
past traumas." Being aware of your own issues or fears
greatly reduces the chances that you might ignore your
child's cry for help.
April is National Child Abuse Prevention Month and an
excellent time to make new resolutions to spend the time
discussing awareness with our children. NCAP provides
programs in schools as well as written information on
any kind of child abuse. Call NCAP at 1-800-258-3189.
Clearly, communication and an open relationship with
your children is the most important part of prevention.
Here are this month's Q/A's from Gary
Neuman's award winning nationally syndicated column, Changing
Families.
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