The message to children is that we still cherish the
things important to us but also must learn to adapt and
find new ways to celebrate holidays. For some children,
spending some alone time on the holiday with the
biological parent might satisfy and respect the need of
that child to bond with his parent alone. Sometimes,
parents are so intent on creating a new happy blended
family, they are upset by a child's wish to spend some
alone time with his parent. But it is perfectly natural
for a child to yearn for a private relationship with a
parent, no different than a child who wants to spend an
hour alone with Dad to ride his bike even if parents are
happily married. Alone time offers a certain personal
bonding that can only occur privately. Alone time can
also be spent with step children over the holiday. Even
in a large family private time can be found although it
may be just twenty minutes.
Ever since my divorce I have spent so much on Christmas
gifts (guilt I guess). I just can't spend so much this
year but now I don't want my kids to feel bad.
Gift Giving:
Too often the most elaborate presents come the first
holiday after divorce; guilt ridden parents trying to
make up for the loss their children feel. Bad move. It
gives the wrong message that material things bring
happiness; presents can make up a little of the hurt.
They can't; perhaps a pleasant distraction but never
avoid the real meaningful ways of adjusting to parental
divorce; open communication, relating and ability to be
sensitive to your children. Spending time together with
children is far more important than helping them collect
toys. Furthermore, how can a child be excited over so
many wonderful toys and new possessions. Tons of toys
usually lead to overstimulation and an inability to
appreciate each one. Instead of throwing gift after gift
at your kid, maintain the level of gifts to which your
child has always been accustomed. Think about the
meaningful present that will be appreciated because you
can relate to your child and learn the type of present
that he really will enjoy.
I know it's my ex's turn to have my kids for the holiday
but still can't I have them some of the time? I'll feel
terrible (and I think they will too) if we don't see
each other for even a short time over Christmas.
Holiday Sharing:
Often, parents rotate holidays so that parents can enjoy
ever holiday with their children. However, even if it is
your year to have your children on Christmas, consider
allowing the children to have some time with the other
parent on Christmas afternoon. Children want to spend
even a little time with the other parent on the actual
day of Christmas. Since Chanukah is eight days long, it
is easier to share. Try to coordinate with the other
parent so that the child can be at each family's big
Chanukah celebration; some like to have the big party
the first night and others the last night.
My father passed away suddenly and this will be my first
holiday without him in my life. This coupled with my
divorce makes me very nervous that I will ruin this
holiday season for my children who deserve some
happiness already. What can I do to make it a happy time
for them?
Holiday Stress:
Before and during holidays many people report feeling a
great deal of anxiety; trying to make it perfect for
your children, loneliness, the sadness of missing a
deceased loved one, old tapes of negative holiday
experiences when you were a child. Too often children
misinterpret their parent's anxiety taking it
personally, especially after divorce when children are
self-conscious about how the holiday will turn out.
Mental planning is as important as the physical
planning. Ask yourself ahead of time what stress the
holiday might bring your way. Often, just by
understanding the root of your anxiety you can alleviate
it. Insight empowers you to choose not to allow this
holiday to be ruined because of the holidays you
experienced as a child or because your father isn't
there with you. You can create new positive messages;
remember having your father and the joy you brought each
other. Change your thoughts to constructive solutions,
"It was different when Dad was alive but I can try to
..." Also recognize that your feelings are normal and
it's okay to feel them. Not every moment must be a
Norman Rockwell painting.
Make sure to explain to children the cause of your
anxiety. Let them know it is somewhat sad for you not to
have Grandpa and discuss with them what all of you can
do to work through that sadness. Explain that you
understand the complexity of a blended family and how it
is sometimes hard during holidays to please everyone.
What would help each child to enjoy the holiday?
Wishing you and your family the warmest of holidays.
Here are this month's Q/A's from Gary
Neuman's award winning nationally syndicated column, Changing
Families.
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