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Holiday Blues

by M. Gary Neuman, LMHC

Dear Santa,
Please help my parents to stop fighting and please please let my Dad pay the child support on time.

The thoughts of the holidays when we were children hopefully evoke the memories of trying to stay up late to see Santa, the festive family meals, how Aunt Sandra consistently dried out the turkey on any occasion, Chocolate Hanukkah Gelt, the first time we could light the menorah holding the candle alone, the sweet smell of home baked cakes blowing their fragrant moist steam throughout the house, Mom and Dad's beaming face when we hugged and kissed them for the presents that we felt we had longed for for years when it was only weeks or days. The holidays were made of Kodak moments.
Where do the children of divorce fit into this picture? For too many, there will be emergency court hearings to determine holiday visitation, homes fraught with tension and anger as the time for a child transfer to the other parent nears, sadness when a child misses the calm, safe atmosphere they see only as fantasy through the eyes of the media.

I was told of a story of three siblings in their forties who tried to capture the precious family moments of a holiday dinner. The last chance before the home they grew up in was to be sold, they tricked their aged parents, divorced for many years, to spend a holiday dinner with them in the family house. It worked for them as the family sat for the last and maybe the first time with smiles, laughter and love and put the tension behind them.

The story is one of success but was born out of failure; failure for divorced parents to provide festive memories of holidays regardless of the divorce. The children carried on the simplest of childhood dreams for thirty years or more because they were not given the child's right to be free and just enjoy the holidays; the right to be a child.

So as we approach the holiday season, all parents must decide what traditions will we pass on to the next generation. Will there be giggles of a stress free child enjoying vacation from school and homework or will tears or worse yet total indifference and numbness replace that laughter. As with countless situations, divorced parenting is complex but here are some specifics that can help give your child a holiday worth remembering.

Allow your child to discuss her feelings regarding the divorce and separation and how it will affect her holiday. You can minimize the child's acting out at holiday time if he can talk it out before. Don't feel insulted if the child discloses how she will miss the other parent and avoid comments like, "Well you spent last year with him during Christmas." Be sensitive to the child and problem solve by finding ways to make the holiday season festive.

Most parents rotate holidays so that each parent has the experience of being with their child on each holiday. But on Christmas, perhaps the parent who does not have the child this year could still spend the second half of Christmas day with the child. Hanukkah and other seasonal celebrations such as Kwanzaa can be divided evenly.

If you are the parent who will be alone for the holiday, don't make your child feel guilty and sorry for you by seeming pitiful and sad over not being with your children. Send the message to your child that you will miss him greatly but that you will be okay and you have arranged a pleasant time for yourself. This strength will enable your child to enjoy the holiday without worrying about his parent's sacrifice or loneliness.

If the child will see both parents over the course of the holiday, clearly describe the schedule of parental contact in advance in order to allow your child time to mentally prepare for the transfers.

For those children who might experience the "poor me syndrome" at holiday time, visits to the less fortunate; pediatric floor at the local hospital or an old age home, distributing food packages to the needy, participating in food or toy drives through the local community center can help children learn to count their blessings and discover what holiday giving is really about.

Don't get sucked in to the "which parent is giving the better and more expensive gifts" game. For all those parents who think children are simple enough to have their love bought, please read a book, get some help and learn how to give the real love your child desperately needs. Just make your purchase from the heart and your child will never forget your efforts.

It's holiday time. Utilize compromise and attempt to shelve unresolved conflict in order to let your children have childlike thoughts and feelings and I wish you an overflowing scrapbook of family Kodak moments.
 

Here are this month's Q/A's from Gary Neuman's award winning nationally syndicated column, Changing Families.