Statistically speaking, your attorney is right. When the
question of custody of children is raised, the odds are
that mothers will be awarded residential custody of the
children. Many judges may choose mothers for that role
because of prejudice even though laws generally demand
equal consideration for both parents. However, often
there are sound reasons to have Mom in the role of
primary residential parent.
While there are exceptions, when two people are married,
it tends to be the mother who takes off from work (if
she is employed outside the home) when a child is ill or
needs to visit the doctor. Usually, it is the mother
whose work schedule is more flexible so that she can be
home in time for the dinner hour with the children.
Mothers greatly outnumber fathers at school events such
as parent teacher conferences. When all is said and
done, fathers in general have been more involved with
their children than in past generations, but as a whole
lag behind their wives in time spent caring for their
children. There are many exceptions but they are just
that; exceptions.
When it comes time for judges to make decisions
regarding custody, they must consider which parent is
the "psychological parent;" the one who has been largely
responsible for the general care of the child's world
both physically and emotionally. In order to cause the
least amount of turmoil in a child's life, courts want
the least amount of change for the child. If the child
is used to one parent generally caring for her, it is
beneficial for that relationship to continue as it has
been for years. Obviously, it may be the less involved
parent who provides more nurturing. But it is difficult
to see this as an outsider. Even though time spent with
a child does not always equal a caring loving parent,
the court usually must look for some concrete evidence
indicating which parent takes the general care of the
child.
However, this does not minimize the role fathers must
play in children's lives. There are many fathers who are
the "psychological parent", the parent whom the child
relies on to discuss feelings and problems. There are
those fathers who are just as involved with their
children as the mother. Under those circumstances,
fathers should consider requesting the court to consider
them as the custodial parent.
For those who are not as involved as mothers, fathers
still assume an important role in children's development
and growth. The relationship with father will often
speak directly to who we marry (husband), how we care
for our own family, our financial success and general
self-esteem. The importance of children spending time
with their fathers cannot be understated.
For this reason, many custody arrangements have changed
to include more liberal visitation. Instead of just
every other weekend, consider one overnight visit during
the school week (Thursday nights seem to work well), or
two evenings each week for dinner and homework. Sharing
children's vacation equally and rotating holidays has
become standard in most courts. Try not to "fight it
out" in court. Use mediation or ask your attorney if
everyone can sit down and discuss matters in a mature
non-battling manner, for the sake of the children. This
gives parties the opportunity to carve out agreements
especially tailored for their lifestyle instead of being
placed into a general category for child custody
arrangements by the judge.
I don't know if it still seems "unfair" to you after
this information but consider this. Many fathers have
told me that they have more time with their children
after divorce than before. After all, rarely did they
ever get to be alone with their children for full
weekends. And often even in so called "intact" homes,
children don't see one of their parents much during the
week due to work and other obligations.
Make sure to bridge the gaps between spending time with
your children with telephone calls, e-mail, bedtime
stories over the phone. Staying in regular contact will
minimize your child's difficulty in dealing with the
separation.
For all of us who take pride in being fathers, divorced
or not, we should consider how much time and energy we
are putting into the day to day care of our children.
Are we missing out on our children's upbringing using
socially appropriate excuses such as work and hanging
out with the guys? It would be nice to see more fathers
in the library and visiting museums with children, in
addition to the sports events. Let's discover new ways
to be more involved and never feel as though we're
watching our children grow from the sidelines.
Here are this month's Q/A's from Gary
Neuman's award winning nationally syndicated column, Changing
Families.
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