Children deserve
answers; but the right answers. Try to think of the real
reasons your marriage is over and then you can give your
child answers that will not only help him understand his
situation better but will also teach him lessons about
love and marriage.
Outline the mistakes his parents made along the way and
perhaps from the very beginning that ultimately led to
the painful end of the marriage. Some examples may be:
We didn't listen to each other enough. We didn't take
the time to hear how the other person was feeling and
what was going on in his/her day.
We didn't learn how to disagree. Sometimes you are so
convinced you are right that you don't even take the
time to listen to the other person. You just want to
make your point. That's not a discussion. We didn't stop
and try to understand the other person's point of view.
We didn't make private, romantic time for ourselves. We
should have spent time alone to quietly look into each
other's eyes and remind ourselves what we love about the
other person. (Be careful not to imply this was due to
the children's needs as that would imply guilt.)
We didn't use each other to better ourselves and broaden
our perspective. Having a mate can give you new views of
life and the world that you never thought of. But you
have to want to grow, listen and experience life and new
things through the eyes of your spouse sometimes.
We never discussed money in a healthy way. We should
have had meetings where we planned for the next month
and year. We could have taken better control of our
spending by discussing our purchases. Instead we spent
on what we thought was necessary at the time and
whenever money was tight we blamed each other.
We stopped doing sweet thoughtful things for each other.
We didn't wake up in the morning and think, "What could
I do for my spouse today that would make him/her smile?"
We didn't keep our private matters private and allowed
others like relatives and friends to get in the way of
our making decisions together. This was no one else's
fault. It was our fault for not supporting each other
and understanding why we needed to keep some things
private.
We never learned to create our own unique style of
marriage. Usually you expect your marriage to be just
like the one you saw when you grew up. You think your
husband/wife is going to carry on the same
responsibilities that your father/mother did and get
upset when it doesn't work out that way. We needed to
find our own type of marriage by listening to what each
of us needed from the other instead of quickly judging
and being disappointed that the other person wasn't
acting the way we expected.
We didn't get help early on when things began not feel
right. We should have went to a marital counselor,
minister, rabbi and allowed someone to help us
understand our mistakes and discuss how to fix them.
These are some of the reasons marriages falter. These
don't assess blame to any one individual and each one
shows your child how each of you made honest mistakes
never intending to hurt one another. It is crucial for
him to see that even when people truly love each other
they can fall into poor relationship habits that can
ultimately distance couples and cause pain. Your son can
grow from these types of reasons and begin to understand
that happy marriages are hard work and should never be
taken for granted. Taking the easy road means missing
out on a potentially wonderful relationship.
Affairs, albeit inappropriate and unfair, usually
develop from the mistakes detailed above. You don't want
to imply that having an affair is no big deal if the
marriage isn't going well. In fact make a clear comment
to your son that affairs are wrong and there are times
even in healthy marriages when spouses experience
difficulty and must ride it through while helping and
loving each other. Nevertheless, explain to him that
certain marital issues should always remain private and
that the real reasons for the divorce had to do with all
of the above. Direct him to his father and ask him to
discuss it with him further.
You can teach a great deal to your teen about love and
marriage from your own experience. You can also assist
your teen by helping him think more sincerely about his
own personal relationship style. Ask him general as well
as specific questions that help better understand
himself. What does he thinks about relationships and
marriage? What type of person is he attracted to? What
kind of personality does he like in a girlfriend? How
does he want to treat her and be treated? These are
healthy questions aimed at helping your son think about
how to make relationships satisfying and begin to
realize problems early on. Help him see how your own
marital style has influenced the way he views marriage
and love. He will spend the next few years practicing
for his future. Help him make these years worthwhile as
he learns from some of your mistakes.
Here are this month's Q/A's from Gary
Neuman's award winning nationally syndicated column, Changing
Families.
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