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Explaining a Parent's Abandonment of the Family

by M. Gary Neuman, LMHC

My ex is gone. He has indicated to me that he needs to move on and can't be "saddled with pressures." I think he is lazy and irresponsible but he just blames me. My three children are young still but already are asking why Daddy never calls or comes to visit. I don't know how to help them.

These are the unfortunate situations which create formidable struggles for our children. I hope you have a great deal of love and warmth to give because it unfortunately rests on you to see to it that these children develop into mentally healthy adults.
 

Usually, I warn parents not to speak negatively about the other parent. However, in your case, some message must be sent to tell your children that it is not their fault that Daddy never calls or visits. The gentle but painful message that Daddy has problems and sometimes adults do not do the right thing is a start. On the one hand, it lowers a child's self-esteem to say that their father is wrong. On the other hand, it helps assuage their guilt to know this has nothing to do with them. It also tells them that such parental neglect is unacceptable parent behavior. This message must be said with a caring attitude, not a callous spiteful one; that would do much more damage. If you can't say it with love it is better to say nothing at all.

See if there is anything you can do to get Daddy to assume his responsibility to his children. Perhaps talk to his parents, minister or friends. It is worth the extra effort. Additionally, attempt to bring other male role models into your children's lives; an uncle, grandfather or Big Brother League. This will never replace a father but will allow for your children to relate to males and see that there are men who don't leave them.

I do not know your situation in detail but I've been around divorce long enough to know that sometimes the residential parent can distance the other parent from his children. Only you really know if you have some responsibility in causing enough friction or tension that this father has given up hope on ever having a relationship with his children. Some parents can be so hostile and so calculating in their manipulations that the very best parent would shrug and give up hope. Judges have a saying, "In criminal court, we see bad people at their best. In family court, we see good people at their worst." Be honest with yourself and take responsibility for any errors you might have made. In either case, watch your children closely and get counseling for them if you begin to feel you need extra assistance.

 

Here are this month's Q/A's from Gary Neuman's award winning nationally syndicated column, Changing Families.