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Is there hope for reconciliation?
by M. Gary Neuman, LMHC
I've been separated from my husband for four months. He has asked me to
join him for a Valentine's Day party. Do you find a lot of hope once
people have separated?
Where is it written that you fall in love and no more effort is needed.
Love conquers all? It doesn't seem to conquer neuroses or change the
fact that relating and loving are skills.
Our fast paced world doesn't afford us the luxury of loving our mate but
we have to make the time. We start with romantic dates consisting of
dancing, wining and dining and soon marry and argue about money and
raising the children. Once, when my wife and I walked in a mall with
another couple who rarely left their children with a babysitter to spend
time alone, the woman said to her husband, "look honey there's all of
these people out here, and none of them need their diapers changed."
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Remember when you fell
in love. What were you doing? You weren't talking about
bills, pottys and SAT scores. While working at common
goals such as raising a family, is meaningful, to remain
lovers people can create the romance they once had, the
time to look into eachother's eyes past the daily
hassles and see the special and beautiful person with
whom they have connected.
Sometimes, marriages falter because of deep seated
problems, past traumas that cause abusive situations.
But many marriages have found that love is simply too
far down on the list of priorities. For those who put
kids before their marriage; remember that divorce hurts
the children. So if your marriage is in the dumps and
even if it as far as being separated there is still
hope. But it doesn't come out of a can nor the
microwave.
For years I have advocated the marital date night. It is
time out on the town without children. Neither partner
can make other plans for the evening unless the other is
in agreement. It is best not to include others. The
rules are simple. Talk can surround anything but money
and children although we do minimally break the rule on
children if it's enjoyable conversation. No "Can we
consider staying within the federal budget for our home
finances this month or Justin blew up another toilet at
school today and the assistant principal needs minor
surgery" type of talk. The date need not be expensive
and should include time to walk and talk or some
interactive activity. If you think it is too expensive
to arrange for babysitting, consider how expensive
divorce can be.
Each person write down five little things you would like
from your partner, whether its a backrub, flowers or
sweet check up calls during the day. Exchange these
lists and focus on providing them for ecahother.
Learn to really listen to your partner. Great
conversationalists will tell you that the key to
communication is not talking but listening. Great
respect is given when you try to understand where your
spouse is coming from instead of giving quick advice or
changing the conversation into how you have a similar
issue to discuss.
Remember what it was like to first love eachother. The
warmth you both provided and the dreams you shared.
Return to dreaming and discuss concrete ways of
attaining such goals. Reminisce. If responsibility has
turned you into a bound, dull adult, catch yourself and
be freer.
If you are separated, use the time to recapture the
person you were before you "grew up" in the context of
marriage. Notice what your marital style and roles were
with your spouse. Often, we unconsciously take on the
marital roles of our parents which may not be ideal for
our own marriage. Focusing on this can help you return
to the relationship aware of the neuroses or distance
that crept into the marriage. Many have separated and
have returned to love.
Verbalize your appreciation of your spouse. We need to
hear that we are special and why we are loved
7. Seek counseling if things are just not going as you
want them. Therapists don't have magical cures but often
can assist you in recognizing how you are creating a
marital style which is counterproductive to your needs
and wishes.
Be creative. I once found friends enjoying their meal in
a restaurant dressed in classical formal wear, tuxedo
and cocktail dress. inquiring as to what event they had
just attended they described that upon every one of
their wedding anniversaries they dress up and enjoy a
festive meal to celebrate.
Like Mother's and Father's Day, Valentine's Day should
remind us to check our relationships and ensure they are
receiving the proper time, effort and commitment. So
whether it is your first, fiftieth or you are looking
for a new relationship, make this a time to commit to
romance.
Here are this month's Q/A's from Gary
Neuman's award winning nationally syndicated column, Changing
Families.
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