Children like to push our buttons. They say things to
meake us react a certain way. It is such an easy trap in
which to fall into; taking your child's message too
personally. But it is important that she not have the
power to cause you anxiety with a threat to leave. When
children make insulting comments, usually the message is
that they are angry and having difficulty expressing it
in an appropriate manner. A young child who says "I hate
you" to a parent rarely hates that parent. It is the
parent's job to recognize the emotion behind the words
and react to the feeling instead of the words.
"You sound so angry. It must be so painful not to have
us all together." Although this response may sound
contrived, it is far superior to an equally angry
reaction of "Well start packing kid, your father won't
have you, blah blah blah." After identifying her
feeling, you can continue to respond calmly. "This is
the living arangement we have established. You may not
like some rules at our house but I hope we can discuss
things calmly when you're ready."
Focus on the nonverbal cues to understand your child's
message. One study revealed that in face to face
interaction only seven percent of one's communication is
expressed through words. An astounding 55 percent of our
message is sent through facial expressions, posture and
gestures and 38 percent is transmitted through tone of
voice. The heart of your child's message is coming from
the heart not the mouth. In your case, the child is
feeling the sadness and loss of living without the other
parent. Don't be afraid to discuss those ambitions and
help your child. More time with the other parent might
be appropriate and something you should consider.
This does not mean, however, that children can curse
parents at random. After the storm is over, sit down
with your child and discuss with them what is an
appropriate way of displaying or verbalizing anger. Help
them learn to say "I'm angry at you" or discuss hurtful
emotions before they build and become overwhelming for
the child. Ask them what might be a better way to
verbalize their anger. Perhaps a special catchphrase can
be developed between the two of you that can indicate
the emotion.
Although it does not sound like your situation, when a
child calmly discusses their wish to live or spend more
time at the other parent's home, respectful conversation
of this request should be discussed.
My ex is gone. He has indicated to me that he needs to
move on and can't be "saddled with pressures." I think
he is lazy and irresponsible but he just blames me. My
three children are young still but already are asking
why Daddy never calls or comes to visit. I don't know
how to help them.
These are the unfortunate situations which create
formidable struggles for our children. I hope you have a
great deal of love and warmth to give because it
unfortunately rests on you to see to it that these
children develop into mentally healthy adults.
Usually, I warn parents not to speak negatively about
the other parent. However, in your case, some message
must be sent to tell your children that it is not their
fault that Daddy never calls or visits. The gentle but
painful message that Daddy has problems and sometimes
adults do not do the right thing is a start. On the one
hand, it lowers a child's self-esteem to say that their
father is wrong. On the other hand, it helps assuage
their guilt to know this has nothing to do with them. It
also tells them that such parental neglect is
unacceptable parent behavior. This message must be said
with a caring attitude, not a callous spiteful one; that
would do much more damage. If you can't say it with love
it is better to say nothing at all.
See if there is anything you can do to get Daddy to
assume his responsibility to his children. Perhaps talk
to his parents, minister or friends. It is worth the
extra effort. Additionally, attempt to bring other male
role models into your children's lives; an uncle,
grandfather or Big Brother League. This will never
replace a father but will allow for your children to
relate to males and see that there are men who don't
leave them.
I do not know your situation in detail but I've been
around divorce long enough to know that sometimes the
residential parent can distance the other parent from
his children. Only you really know if you have some
responsibility in causing enough friction or tension
that this father has given up hope on ever having a
relationship with his children. Some parents can be so
hostile and so calculating in their manipulations that
the very best parent would shrug and give up hope.
Judges have a saying, "In criminal court, we see bad
people at their best. In family court, we see good
people at their worst." Be honest with yourself and take
responsibility for any errors you might have made. In
either case, watch your children closely and get
counseling for them if you begin to feel you need extra
assistance.
Here are this month's Q/A's from Gary
Neuman's award winning nationally syndicated column, Changing
Families.
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