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Do people who come from divorced homes get divorced more often themselves?

by M. Gary Neuman, LMHC

I'm sixteen years old and my mother once showed me your column and I've been following it ever since. It's been hard for me and my little sister but it's been five years and we're doing better. But I'm still scared that I will not have a good marriage one day. Already, I have had different boyfriends and each time it hurts when it doesn't work out. Do people who come from divorced homes get divorced more often themselves? They must be at least more nervous about it. What can I do to make sure I stay married in my future?
 

Unfortunately, children of divorce do have a higher rate of divorce than others. The good news for you is that those from divorced homes who are concerned about divorce end up working harder at their marriage than most and see great results.

The important message is to recognize how much of our own personal marital style reflects our parents' marriage. If parents often argued, we learn their conflict resolution style of fighting instead of calmly discussing our thoughts and feelings. Learn to catch yourself when you start feeling angry at your mate or begin to push your boyfriend's buttons and detect whether it's really what you feel or just a throw back to how your parents would have reacted under similar circumstances. Read books discussing happy relationships/marriages together with your partner. Find someone who really cares for you and has the same determination to make the relationship work.

It takes a great deal of effort to make this break from one's past but it is likely to happen to those who maintain their focus on creating a healthier marriage than the one they saw as children. From your letter outlining your sensitivity to these issues, I'm betting on you to have a very happy marriage.

Here are this month's Q/A's from Gary Neuman's award winning nationally syndicated column, Changing Families.