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Child Support Woes
by M. Gary Neuman, LMHC
My ex is constantly late with child support. You can't imagine the
pressure this puts me under to pay my bills on time. But what really
disturbs me is when my eight year old asks me for things I know he needs
(clothing) and I don't have the money because the check didn't come yet.
What do I tell my child at that point? Why should I always be the one
who says "No, we can't afford that."
A six year old once told me, "When I grow up, get married and divorced,
I will always pay my child support on time." There are many obvious
things wrong with that picture. As a parent trying earnestly to provide
for her children, divorce has ironically linked you financially to a
person you chose to get as far away from as possible. Child support
often serves as a catalyst for ongoing resentment and criticism of both
parents: "He's late again, She spends it on herself, not the
children..."
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What can you do to
help yourself get those support payments? There are some
specific strategies that can assist in collecting child
support as well as insuring timely payment.
For example, every state provides for the possibility of
having child support garnished from wages and sent
directly from the employer. In some states this
deduction is automatic.
At the time of divorce, use an asset to secure child
support clearly indicating that the asset will become
yours if child support is not paid in a timely manner.
An example of this could even be the person's interest
in the marital home. Often, the residential parent will
stay in the home until the children are older and when
it is sold the profits are evenly divided between
parents. However, the divorce decree can stipulate that
if child support is not properly paid a lean is placed
on that parent's portion of the house.
Be aware that even if someone owes a considerable amount
of child support from the past, a federal statute
protects that parent from paying more than 65% of his
wages. The percentage is determined on an individual
basis taking into account specific items like whether or
not the person has children to support from a new
marriage.
Melvin Rubin, President of the Florida Association of
Professional Family Mediators suggests that emotional
issues have a great deal to do with child support. "A
key point of collecting child support is maintaining a
good relationship between father and child. The more
contact there is the more likely that individual will
pay." For this reason as well as the emotional benefit a
child gains by having two loving parents in his life, be
sure to create an atmosphere where your child has
appropriate access to his father.
"Contacting your state child support enforcement office
is recommended," says Sue Bailey, President of the
National Child Support Enforcement Association, a
national training and education association whose
mission is to promote the wellbeing of children and
their families through the effective enforcement of
child support obligations. Bailey explains that local
child support offices can discover if the parent who is
not paying support is receiving any federal funds that
could be tapped into for the purpose of paying support.
They can also help locate non-custodial parents and have
their drivers (and in some states even professional)
licenses revoked in those states that provide such
action. Presently thirty five states provide for such
action and the majority of them have reported an
increase in collection.
Collecting child support has become so difficult for
some that private national collection agencies have
developed in order to assist parents. These agencies
work similarly to that of other billing collections,
taking a certain percentage (usually in the range of
30%) of whatever money is recovered. These agencies
report a much higher success rate of collection than
those of government agencies. Says Jim Durham, president
of a private collection firm, the National Child Support
Center, "We only get paid if we collect so it's obvious
how much harder we have to work for our clients."
Unfortunately, even with all of the help and raised
consciousness regarding this issue, many moms are still
left out in the cold and find it difficult to cope.
However, openly criticizing the other parent in front of
a child is damaging to the child, period. A devastating
message is sent when parents impose negative opinions of
their ex-spouse on their children. A child is placed in
an unfair position of knowing she must limit or pretend
to limit her love for that other parent or else this
parent will be sad or angry. Additionally, remember the
adage, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. It
damages a child's sense of personal history and
self-esteem to be told that a parent is lazy or rotten,
whether said by a stranger or the other parent.
Parenthood involves a great deal of sacrifice. Often
parents need to candy coat the truth or discuss it in
children's terms in order not to upset the child. Be
diplomatic. Instead of "You don't have new shoes for
school because your lousy father doesn't pay his child
support on time," swallow hard and say, "Your Dad and I
are having some financial difficulties but we're working
on it. We might need to hold off on some purchases for a
week or so." You might be thinking that if he isn't
paying on time why shouldn't my kid know the truth;
because sometimes the truth hurts; too much. Keep in
mind what is in the best interest of your child and
ultimately your children will love and appreciate what
you did for them when they were younger.
For those who act irresponsibly and pay child support
consistently late or not at all, if your child leads an
unproductive troubled life, don't shrug and say, "I
didn't realize" or "Everyone makes mistakes." There are
some mistakes children simply cannot afford.
Here are this month's Q/A's from Gary
Neuman's award winning nationally syndicated column, Changing
Families.
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