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When to get children involved in your new relationships

by M. Gary Neuman, LMHC

I've had a couple of serious relationships since my divorce. Each time I wonder how much to involve my children in the relationship. When do I tell them? Is it a good idea to move in together or do I put my love life on hold because of my children?

Avoid subjecting your child to a steady stream of nameless partners. When you do meet someone new, simple introductions can suffice. When the relationship becomes serious, that's the time to include your new friend in "family" types of activities. The rule of thumb is to allow a relationship to develop between your children and boy/girlfriend when a long term commitment has occurred. Children whose parents have divorced have already experienced a certain amount of instability. It is unfair to allow them to form a close bond to someone you like only to have that person leave your lives forever.


Of course there are no guarantees for successful relationships but at least some understanding that the two of you are committed to each other seems responsible. It will also show your child that serious relationships are meaningful and not simply disposable. While you don't want to put your life on hold, it is important for your children to know that they have structure. Keep to your schedules as much as possible and plan initial overnight stays when the children visit your ex. Being available to your children will minimize their fear of being brushed aside by a new love interest.

Unfortunately, second and third marriages have a higher rate of divorce than the first. Many people remarry thinking they are doing better this time. But if it ends in divorce, they realize they chose the same type of person even though the outside physical packaging might have been different.

Earnestly reviewing your marriage and why it didn't work is important to ensuring a lasting relationship in the future. To simply say, "I was young," or "My ex had problems," doesn't help you grow as an individual by learning from past experience. Examine your expectations and views of marriage. It often stems from what you saw as a child in your own parents' relationship. Understanding what you need from your partner and your ability to give to another is a topic worth exploring with a therapist, clergyman or objective good friend. It could make the difference in providing you with a more stable and loving relationship in the future.

Securing long term loving relationships can be wonderful for children of divorce. It often brings stability and modeling of a happy partnership to the family. Children can learn about the dating process and the need to befriend different people in order to find someone you love. However, remember that your dating can be difficult for a child who deep down might still dream of his parents reuniting. Openly discuss your child's feelings about your new relationships and help children understand that it can be a difficult stage for many children as well as parents. This conversation will help you and your children proceed together into the new and changing world of dating after divorce.
 

Here are this month's Q/A's from Gary Neuman's award winning nationally syndicated column, Changing Families.