People Magazine Praise About Book Activities Columns

Visitation Problems Concerning my Kids with my Ex-Wife

Q Dear Gary,
Last Saturday night, while my twelve-year-old son and fourteen-year-old daughter were visiting my ex-wife, a family friend ran into my children coming out of a movie theater at ten at night, then running to catch a city bus home. I am shocked! They and their mother know they have no business out alone at that time of night. Whom should I approach with this first: my ex or my kids?

A Your ex, assuming you have a decent relationship with her. Approach her only if you feel you can discuss it in a respectful manner without getting into a fight. Justified no not, anger is not a good starting point for constructive conversation. Make sure you cool down first and then approach her calmly, explaining your very valid concerns about your children’s well-being.

I suggest dealing with your ex first as a way to avoid yet-another disagreement or potential battle involving your children. Furthermore, any parent would prefer being approached first about any concern regarding her parenting skills before that criticism is shared with her children. Most would see it as common courtesy.
If you do need to discuss this with your children, do it gently. Don’t say, “I don’t care if your mother lets you go; I forbid it.” After divorce, parents must respect each other’s ability to parent and make proper decisions for their children. Only is a child is being placed in danger does any parent (or person, for that matter) have the complete right to step in. Discuss it gently with your children, respecting their opinions. Explain to them your concerns and fears, but show a willingness to consider creative solutions. For a twelve- and fourteen-year-old to be at the movies at ten on a Saturday night does not sound outrageous. Taking a city bus home, however, depending on where you live, could be seen as inappropriate. Discuss other forms of transportation, going with a group of friends on the bus or having a carpool to bring everyone home.

Going to the movies on Saturday night is the norm for young teenagers in many places. That doesn’t mean it’s right, but it does mean that you have to appreciate the social group your children are living in and respect the fact that, as a divorced parent, you cannot be totally in charge of parenting your children. Work this out with warmth and respect for your ex and children. There will be many issues like this one along the way. Develop a healthy pattern of communication now. If you don’t, your opinion will mean less to your ex and your children in the future.

 

Here are this month's Q/A's from Gary Neuman's award winning nationally syndicated column, Changing Families.